This morning, as I decided to write the About section of this blog, after writing in my journal, I was so focused that I burnt coffee for the first time. I am a clumsy, far from perfect person who makes my fair share of mistakes. I usually find a way to laugh about this and I laughed at myself when I realized the burning smell was the smidgen of coffee left in the coffee pot. The smell is surprisingly similar to burnt popcorn, but luckily not quite as bad.
Journal Entry: February 14, 2018:
“FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU,” DECLARES THE LORD, “PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE.” JEREMIAH 29:11
This morning I woke up from a nightmare. I laid in bed after my husband left for work and sobbed, begging God for answers and asking why. Today I am angry with Him, with you God. Today is the 12th day after we learned we had lost our Marshall James.
Actually, my husband woke me from the nightmare I was having when he came to give me a kiss goodbye. Thank goodness! I was having a nightmare that I was swimming in a river with other people and that a young child, not my own, was swimming not too far from me. I turned my head for less than a minute and the child was gone. Myself, and the other people with me, had just realized the child was missing and were beginning to frantically search for this child at the moment my husband woke me.
This is the second nightmare I have had in the past 12 nights in which I was experiencing the sudden, unforeseen loss of a young child that was not my own. Though I don’t recollect the details of the first nightmare, I do remember the fear I woke up in. Maybe these nightmares are from my wishing that February 2nd 2018 was just that – a nightmare, instead of real life.
In the 38 weeks that I carried our sweet baby boy I had not one dream about my baby. This bothered me during my pregnancy, but not too much because everything else about my pregnancy had been so absolutely perfect. I do remember having two very odd seeming dreams early in the second trimester – reflecting back on those dreams now, I’m not so certain that somewhere, somehow my mind or body had not had the feeling that I would not get to hold my baby in my arms while he was full of life.
“HE FILLS MY LIFE WITH GOOD THINGS, SO THAT I STAY YOUNG AND STRONG LIKE AN EAGLE” PSALM 103:5
I know I will never have the answers I want. I know I shouldn’t be angry with God – but for a few minutes here and there, I am. I just lost my baby. I am heartbroken to a depth that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, I can’t even begin to put my heart ache into words. I am grieving what has to be the worst loss a person could ever experience. So, I am learning to forgive myself for the moments in which I am angry with God – and I believe He is being an understanding God.
I also have moments where I am truly doing okay; moments when I can think about February 2nd 2018 without crying and with a deep feeling of love when I think about our angel baby. The moments of believing and knowing God is good, and knowing that I will be reunited with my baby one day, far exceed and outweigh my moments of anger. I have the most precious baby boy waiting for me in Heaven. For me, death doesn’t seem all that scary; I’d have to say that my feelings about death are now far more bittersweet. How blessed am I, because that feels like a blessing straight from God.
Marshall James, my angel baby, I love you.
A thought after typing up my journal entry:
I think that maybe the reason I am having nightmares about children that are not my own might be an important reminder I need; a reminder that my Marshall James is first and foremost, a child of God.
*Note for this and future entries:
I typed up this entry from my journal entry this morning. The journal I am writing in has a bible verse on every other page. When I share my journal entries, I will share those verses between the paragraphs in which they fall.