Journal Entry: March 2, 2018:
One month. It has been one whole month since we lost our baby boy. Just two weeks shy of the day we lost him; my due date came and went. I expected my due date to be a wretched day. It was difficult, but not as terrible as I thought it would be. But, today, today has been hitting me really hard. I am not sure if I am finding more comfort in the distance we’ve gained, since the day we said goodbye to our sweet Marshall, or if my desire to have that day back outpaces the comfort of that distance. Today I find myself ready to write to Marshall, so I am sharing with you my first letter to Marshall.
“BUT THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IS LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL; AGAINST SUCH THINGS THERE IS NO LAW.” GALATIANS 5:22-23
Dear sweet, precious Marshall,
I have to ask myself why I would want that day back, the day we lost you. The answer is simple really. It is because, selfishly, I would do it all over again. I would enjoy the last few hours I had of naively not yet knowing that you had passed. I would, in the same daze, take in the experience of giving birth for the first time, a gift you and God gave to your daddy and me. But, mostly, I would live again in the moments of holding your body against my chest, while your daddy and I laid our hands on you and soaked in as much of your beauty as we possibly could.
Speaking of beauty, today I went for a bit of a scenic drive. As I drove, I marveled at every beautiful view I could find. I quickly realized that in every beautiful scenic view I saw, I saw you.
You, my son, were so beautiful. For the entirety of your 38 weeks of life here on earth, you brought so much beauty into your daddy and I’s lives. Beauty in learning of your life. Beauty in every time we saw and listened to your heartbeat, and every time we got a peek at you on the inside of my belly. Beauty in watching you grow, in feeling your hard kicks, and in the times I played with you to make you kick me back; though your daddy wasn’t always too fond of my doing that.
February 2nd of 2018 was the most devastating day of our lives. But, one of the dearest people in your Mommy’s life reminded me today, that it was the best day of your life. As it was the day that you joined Jesus in Heaven. I find comfort in knowing that you are with Him.
You have left me with a beauty that I cannot imagine life without. Until we meet in heaven, for the rest of my life here on earth, I will forever see you in all of the beautiful places.
With Everlasting Love,
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-18