A little story about this morning’s journal entries:
Like I said in part I of today’s journal entry, I had to stop and write before I could function in any other way this morning. After I got some writing down on paper I listened to my heart, it was telling me to seek refuge in scripture. Before I sought out the scripture I did what we millennials do these days, I stopped to check Facebook. (Side note, I seriously can’t decide if Facebook is healthy for me right now – or at any other time in life for anyone for that matter! Side note number two: I kind of despise being a millennial and referring to myself as one) This side track to Facebook was totally worth it though. One of my co-workers had posted a little something that made me giggle out loud, with only my dog around to hear me laugh. I needed that giggle. Then I went on to read and reflect on some scripture. Today I am happy to have found refuge in my faith and in scripture, and to be able to share it with you!
Journal Entry, Part II: February 20, 2018
“OH, GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD FOR HE IS GOOD! FOR HIS MERCIES ENDURE FOREVER” PSALM 107:1
A dear and special friend of mine had a devotional, written specifically for parents grieving the loss of a child, mailed to my house a week after we lost Marshall. Craving scripture and not quite sure what piece of scripture to turn to, I opened this devotional. I have had this devotional for well over a week now and have only made it through the third devotional, as of today.
This third devotional topic was on “Facing The Truth”. The scripture was Kings 3:16-28 and was about two women who’d had babies just a few days apart. The second women’s baby, that was born later, died shortly after birth. The grief of her loss, I believe, caused her to make an irrational decision. She decided to switch her dead baby for the other women’s living baby in the middle of the night. The women, whose living baby she had switched her deceased baby with, was pleading to Solomon, to get her baby back.
I suppose it’s a good thing I have only made it to the third devotional in this book, because the timing of this devotional couldn’t have been more perfect. I’ve been questioning myself the past few days about how, or if, I will be able to handle going back to work knowing that there will soon be celebration and joy for new life, after my loss. There will be celebration and joy for the mother whose due date for her first child was one day after my due date and then, a while later, there will be more celebration and joy for the mother whose due date for her first child is eight weeks after my due date.
I wish I could tell you that this scripture gave me the answer to my questions or that I could say this scripture somehow helped me to formulate some foolproof plan as to how I will cope with seeing other new moms carrying and caring for their newborn babies in public places. Or how I will cope with the oohing and aahing over other newborn babies – I get tears, sorrow and I’m sorrys for my baby. I simply don’t know how I will react, I no longer have the same control over my emotions that I used to, and this scripture and devotional didn’t give me the answers to this predicament. For now, I will just plan to give myself grace and do what feels right when the time comes. However, this scripture did help me realize that my fearing how I’ll cope with these situations is okay and probably normal, even rational, given my loss. I needed this reassurance.
Reflecting on this devotional also helped me realize one of the special things that my husband and I will receive, as Mommy and Daddy of our angel baby, Marshall James. We will receive a rare and unique gift when we get to heaven. Our sweet Marshall will know and teach us more about Jesus then we’ll ever know in our earthly life. I feel a little awestruck by that revelation.
“FOR IT IS BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED THROUGH FAITH – AND THIS NOT FROM YOURSELVES, IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD…” EPHESIANS 2:8
I can’t explain to you the happiness I have in my heart for other expecting mommies, in particular the ones that I work with, and for the mommies enjoying their days old babies in public places. Though I am conflicted by my loss and my own sorrow, I truly still feel joy in my heart for these women and for their babies. That is God at work. He gave me such a loving, compassionate heart that it can’t even be taken down by the gaping hole and tremendous ache I am feeling in my heart. And so, I pray this: Dear Lord, please cover these two sweet deserving mommies that I work with, with your love. I pray that you help them enjoy the remainder of their pregnancies without any fear that could be garnered from enduring the truth of my loss. Lord, give them healthy, happy babies and allow them to be continue to be healthy, happy mommas. Amen.